Far from Heaven
by kitty-kat12
Summary: When J.T accepted Traci's offer to talk Colleen into going back to New York, he had no idea that a few months later she would disappear. Now two years since she vanished and not a word to him, she returns with a secret so horrible that will change his wo
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THE Y&R CHARACTERS BELONG TO ME EXCEPT FOR BEN WHO I CREATED. SO DON'T SUE BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING.  
  
A/N: THIS IS MY FIRST Y&R STORY EVER SO DON'T FLIP IF I DON'T GET THE CHARACTERS RIGHT. I DON'T WATCH IT BUT I SAW AN EPISODE TODAY ON COLLEEN AND J.T. ANYWAY, THIS IS MY TAKE ON WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF TRACI GOT HER WAY. IT WILL BE A C/J. IM WORKING ON THAT. ANYWAY, ENJOY AND TAKE IT EASY ON ME.  
  
  
  
He stood perfectly still, the warm summer breeze of Genoa city blowing past him but his eyes never blinked or wavered from the girl that stood underneath the white tent, talking to the obviously handsome young man.  
  
"Hey, you're staring." Billy's voice interrupted him and J.T. looked over at his friend who appeared well groomed in the tux that he was wearing, similar to his own.  
  
"Is that-?"  
  
"Yup. That's none other than our little Colleen Carlton all grown up." Billy said with a small chuckle.  
  
"Wow." J.T. whispered and Billy playfully smacked him on the back.  
  
"Breathe, man. Breathe." He grinned. "Why don't you go over there and say hi?" He added; his voice sincere.  
  
J.T. looked at him as if the very thought of even walking up to Colleen was impossible. He finally nodded, after a moment of silence, as if he had gained the courage or temporary strength to approach her.  
  
Billy walked over to Colleen and her friend with him. "Hey, Colleen." Billy greeted her on behalf of J.T. and she turned around.  
  
The smile on her face fell but she managed a hi to both of them.  
  
"We didn't know you were in town." Billy said, looking over at J.T. who was just staring at her.  
  
"Oh, I wasn't going to come but this is a big deal to Brit so here I am." She said.  
  
"You look good." J.T. piped in and she nodded.  
  
"You too." Tension grew and Billy excused himself completely abandoning J.T. to himself.  
  
"Who's your friend?" He inquired about the guy who he thought was too attached to her.  
  
"Oh, this is Ben. Ben, J.T." She introduced, a genuine smile appearing on her face as she looked over at her friend.  
  
Ben extended a hand. "Nice to meet you." He said as J.T. shook his hand. "I'm going to get us something to drink." He said to Colleen who nodded.  
  
"So, your boyfriend, huh?" J.T. asked.  
  
She squinted her eyes at him, obviously annoyed at the immediate assumption.  
  
"He's a good friend." She replied.  
  
"I missed you. I wanted to exp-" He started.  
  
"No." She cut him off, looking away from him. "I don't want to hear it. It's been three years." She said, folding her arms in front of her protectively.  
  
"And yet you still haven't forgiven me."  
  
"I don't want to talk about this. Not here. Not now or ever. I'm going to be gone in two days. Let's try to stay out of each other's way." She said coldly as she tried to walk away from him but he caught her arm and held on to it.  
  
"You're not even going to listen to me? Let me explain?" He insisted.  
  
She shook her head at him. "No. You were my friend and you betrayed me. Now, let go of my arm. I don't want to make a scene on Raul's and Brit's wedding." She hissed, feeling incredibly self conscious from the stares that some of the guests were sending them.  
  
"I don't care." He argued.  
  
"I do." She said, yanking her arm away from him and hastily darting into the crowd.  
  
She found Ben in the crowd, holding drinks for both of them but she begged him to go.  
  
"I can't. He's-"  
  
He looked over at Colleen and she was looking at her hands, nervously wringing her them, refusing to let anyone see her cry.  
  
"Okay." He said, his arm going around her shoulder protectively. They walked over to his car and the minute the door closed, she burst into tears.  
  
"I thought I could come back here. I thought I could.....but.....but." She sobbed into her hands and Ben pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back to soothe her.  
  
"I know. I know. It's okay." He whispered. "If you want to go back to New York, we can go right now." He offered.  
  
Colleen shook her head, wiping the tears from her face. "I want to stay and see my family and I want them to meet you." She replied with a small unhappy smile.  
  
"I need to explain." She added as she rested her head on his strong shoulder.  
  
"I understand." He said. "You want to go back?" He asked indicating to the party.  
  
She nodded solemnly. "I want to go thank them for inviting us. Just let me get freshened up. I look like hell." She groaned wiping her tears from her face and reapplying her lipstick on.  
  
"You look great."  
  
"Thanks." She said smiling a little. "But you're lying." She added with a chuckle as she shoved the last pieces of make up and got out of the car.  
  
They walked back to the party and the rest of the night Colleen was able to avoid J.T.  
  
*The next day at the Carlton residence*  
  
Colleen sat quietly with Ben at her side as her father angrily reprimanded her.  
  
"You were gone for almost two years Colleen. Do you know that? It practically killed your mother and me! Your grandfather hired a search team to find you and nothing!"  
  
"I sent you a letter. I wrote." She said quietly.  
  
"But you didn't explain. You just upped and left. You ran away! You didn't even tell us where you were." He argued.  
  
"Sir-" Ben started to defend but Brad Carlton immediately shot him down.  
  
"You stay out of this. I don't even know who the hell you are. My daughter just showed up with you after two years of being missing." He said dangerously.  
  
"Stop it!" Colleen yelled angrily startling her stepmother, Ashley who was staying on the sidelines, and her father at the same time. "Don't you dare yell at Ben. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be standing here and breathing." She declared angrily, the painful tears stinging her eyes. "If you want to blame someone, blame the woman I used to call my mother! She did this." Colleen declared; her voice cold and angry and full of vindication.  
  
She was heaving by then and Ben held her hand, looking at her skeptically. "He has to know." She whispered brokenly, turning to him for an instant but returning to look at her father again.  
  
"Okay." He said squeezing her hand.  
  
"Ashley, sit down." Colleen said commandingly and her stepmother surprisingly did so. Brad watched them curiously. Something was wrong. He could feel it.  
  
"Ten months after Traci forced me to go back to New York," She said refusing to call her mother mom. "Ten months after....I was raped." She said swallowing her tears and the room fell silent except for the gasp that escaped Ashley's lips.  
  
"Oh, honey-" Ashley began to speak back Colleen immediately cut her off.  
  
"Let me finish, please." She said as she sat back down, feeling suddenly tired. "Then....then....I found out that I was pregnant. And mom knew and she got angry. She said that I was finally able to ruin my life just to spite her. She wouldn't listen." Colleen paused, taking a deep sigh. "I never got to explain that I didn't do it on purpose. Then she uh....wanted me to get rid of the baby. And I said okay but when I got to the clinic, I was so scared. I didn't want them to kill my baby. It was still mine. So, I ran. I went to Ben's house. He was the only one I could trust. The only one I knew." Colleen broke into sobs and Brad walked over to her and hugged his daughter.  
  
He had no idea. Traci never told him. "I'm so sorry, Colleen. I'm so sorry." He said as the tears started to fall. It hurt to listen to his eighteen year old and find out about the hell that she went through.  
  
"It's okay, Dad. It wasn't your fault. You tried to talk mom out of taking me back." She said, still clinging to her father.  
  
Ashley Abbot Carlton wiped the tears from her face as she watched the painful picture in front of her. Colleen was like a daughter to her. It was excruciating to hear her retell her story, to hear that she went through it on her own.  
  
It hurt even more for Brad because Colleen didn't even blame him but he blamed himself.  
  
It was obvious that he would.  
  
He wasn't there for her and yet she didn't blame him. She let him off as innocent and despite the heartache that she went through, she still loved him.  
  
He could have done something. If he had just known.  
  
"And then, I fell down the stairs." Colleen continued pulling away from her father. Just saying the words made her physically in pain. "I was eight months pregnant and I fell and....I didn't want the baby to die....but I couldn't save her....I'm so sorry." She whimpered, breaking down into tears again. The memories flashed through her mind, making her relive the whole thing. "I wanted to come back and tell you but I was so afraid that....that you'd hate me and send me back to mom. I wanted to tell you.....I swear......I swear" Her body shook from her hysterical sobs and Ashley walked over to her and hugged her, now openly crying for her step daughter.  
  
How could something horrible happen to such a good person? To Colleen who was so innocent, whose life was never easy? Wasn't it enough? Did she have to suffer more?  
  
"Thank you, for being there for her." Brad whispered to Ben who just nodded and rubbed Colleen's back. "We owe you so much." He said; his gratitude genuine.  
  
"I want to go home." She whispered.  
  
"Honey, you are home. This will always be your home." Brad said hugging her.  
  
"I have no home, except Ben's." She said painfully.  
  
It was true. The only real home she's had was Ben's. He had taken care of her, loved her and asked nothing in return. His family had accepted her, welcomed her and never did they once condemn her for her misfortune. And Colleen was forever grateful to him for everything.  
  
"Stay here. You're going to be gone tomorrow." Brad pleaded. He just wanted to see her even for the day. To keep an eye on her and know that she was fine. Even get the chance to take care of her.  
  
He had missed out on so many things. So many moments in her life and he regretted it. He felt that he failed her for not being there, for being so blind to her pain, for not fighting hard enough for her to stay in Genoa City.  
  
Had she stayed, none of this would have happened and his daughter would never have lost her innocence so early in life; she never would have lost a part of her soul.  
  
"Ben can stay here with us too." He added, hoping that it would convince her.  
  
Colleen sighed. She really didn't care where she stayed as long as Ben was there. She needed him by her side. He was her rock.  
  
She was exhausted from everything to leave.  
  
"Ok." She said.  
  
"I'll take her upstairs." Ben offered and Brad immediately moved away for him to carry her up. Ben lifted her with ease and she instinctively felt safe.  
  
Ashley and Brad led them to her old room which hadn't been touched except for the usual cleaning.  
  
He laid her down on the bed and looked down at his best friend. "You'll be okay. You're home now." He said and she said nothing to acknowledge what he said. She moved to her side, staring blankly at the floor, still holding his hand. "Thank you." She whispered.  
  
She had not said it enough. She owed her life to him and she was never going to be loyal enough. He was her family. Her big brother. Blood or otherwise.  
  
"I'm going to stay here with her." Ashley whispered to the guys who nodded and quietly walked out of the room, closing the door behind them. "Colleen, honey?"  
  
"I missed you Ash." Colleen whispered as her step mother sat on the bed next to her. "I never told you but I really like you, as a mom. You were nice to me."  
  
"Thank you." Ashley said, her eyes filling with tears again.  
  
"I'm glad my dad has you." She added before drifting off to sleep.  
  
Ashley nodded as she stood up and kissed her almost daughter on the forehead. "I hope you find your peace." She whispered before closing the door and letting Colleen sleep. 


	2. chapter two

Her finger traced the rim of the warm coffee cup as her mind slowly drifted off. Ben sat patiently across from her on the other side of the table. He was waiting for Colleen to say something but she seemed too lost in thought.  
  
"That was horrible." She finally said before she drew her cup to her lips and took a sip of her coffee.  
  
Ben nodded, not knowing what to say. They were in the local coffee shop, having breakfast since Colleen didn't have the energy to face her family again after the ordeal that occurred the night before.  
  
"I think it's a start." Ben said softly.  
  
Colleen raised her eyebrows at him, giving Ben her patented what-are-you- talking-about look. "A start to what?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Healing." He replied.  
  
Colleen scoffed and then rolled her eyes. "Don't even give me that whole healing pep talk." She said instantly, sounding very New Yorker.  
  
"Col, don't deny it. You want to get better. You want to get back together with your family." He insisted but Colleen shook her head at him.  
  
"I am better." She argued. "I'm good as long as I have you."  
  
Ben smiled taking the compliment but then sighed. "I won't always be here for you. You can't always rely on me."  
  
Colleen then frowned not liking the thought that there was a possibility that she would lose him. "Don't say that." She said firmly.  
  
"Colleen, be reasonable."  
  
"No!" She argued. "I'm not losing you too."  
  
Ben sighed again, realizing that there was no way he would win this. He loved the girl but sometimes, she was too damn stubborn for her own good.  
  
Ever since Colleen lost the baby, it was as if she had transferred all her love for that child to Ben and she had clung to him as if her life depended on it.  
  
"I'm sorry. I don't want to argue with you but please don't put that thought in my head." She said sincerely and Ben nodded.  
  
"I just want you to be happy." He explained.  
  
"I am happy." She insisted again despite the fact the Ben knew all too well that she wasn't. No matter how much she tried to hide it, he could still see right through her even with all the walls she built up over the years.  
  
Suddenly, the door to the café opened and Billy, J.T. and Mackenzie walked in. J.T. immediately noticed her and walked over to her while Billy and Mac gave her a quick smile and found their own table, knowing full well what J.T.'s intentions were.  
  
"We need to talk." He said firmly.  
  
"I'm busy." Colleen replied curtly.  
  
"Why don't you two catch up? I'm going to look around the mall and see what I can bring back to New York." Ben said and before Colleen could protest, he had stood up from his seat and was already walking out the door.  
  
Colleen groaned inwardly as she glared at Ben's general direction. She was going to make him pay for this.  
  
"Make it fast." She said, snapping at J.T.  
  
"Okay." J.T. replied as he slipped his hands into his pockets like he had done so in the past. "Can I sit?" He asked.  
  
"There's a chair." She said curtly.  
  
"I know you're angry." He started and already Colleen didn't like it. "Colleen, please, don't make it any more difficult."  
  
"Don't talk to me about difficulties, J.T. You have no idea." She retorted.  
  
"I'm not picking a fight. Just listen to me for a couple minutes and when I'm done what I have to say, you won't ever have to see me or talk to me again." He pleaded.  
  
"Fine." She said grudgingly.  
  
"I know that it's been years since we last saw each other. And I know you haven't forgiven me for talking you into going with your mother and I want to apologize." He declared.  
  
"You're actually apologizing." She said sounding very surprised. "I thought you were going to make up some stupid excuse and waste my time."  
  
J.T. shook his head. "No. No excuses this time. I really regret talking you into going with your mother. I shouldn't have accepted Traci's offer but I felt like I had no choice. And I regret all that. I could have saved us a lot of hurt." He said ruefully.  
  
Colleen nodded silently not liking how he spoke. It was as if he knew what happened to her all those years.  
  
"Why didn't you ever return my calls or my letters?" J.T. asked.  
  
She looked at him, her heart beating so fast she thought she couldn't breathe. If she told him where she was, it could unearth so many painful secrets but if she didn't, then he'd always think that she didn't forgive him. "I never got them." She dared to answer. Her family had kept her disappearance a secret. Traci demanded that it stayed that way.  
  
The people of Genoa city were led to believe that she lived with her mother all these years when in fact Colleen hadn't seen or spoken to Traci since that day she was sent to the abortion clinic.  
  
"But I sent them to the right address. Traci never said anything." J.T. said sounding shocked.  
  
"It doesn't matter. I probably wouldn't have read them anyway. I was too angry then." She declared softly, letting her guard down slightly.  
  
"You hated me that much?"  
  
Colleen shook her head. "I didn't hate you. I lo-I blamed you for my unhappiness." She answered uncomfortably.  
  
"Even now?"  
  
She sighed, not wanting to discuss herself anymore. "Sometimes." She answered truthfully.  
  
"I'm sorry." J.T. whispered.  
  
"Me too but we can't change the past." She said unhappily.  
  
J.T. nodded his head sadly. "I missed you." He dared to say before he lost his chance.  
  
"J.T. don't. I can handle you talking to me about your regrets but don't dwell on old feelings. It makes everything so much worse. Please move on." She begged quietly, not wanting to cry in front of him.  
  
"I can't help it. You have no idea how much I wish you stayed. We could have had something-"  
  
"But we didn't!" Colleen interrupted him angrily, her voice low but tense. "Stop it, J.T. I wish I could change my past, more than you'll ever understand. Don't talk to me about what could have been. I could have had so many things in my life right now and that was all robbed from me but I'm not complaining am I?" She hissed before she abruptly stood up and walked away from him.  
  
J.T. shook his head sadly. No matter how much he tried, he always failed wit Colleen. No matter how sorry he was it would never be enough. He hated to see her that way-so cold and detached, her guard always up.  
  
She wasn't the Colleen he remembered. She was sweet and kind and so vulnerable.  
  
But that was years ago, J.T. reminded himself miserably. He quietly stood up and walked out of the coffee shop, his mind too clouded with thoughts.  
  
There was something undeniably unhappy about Colleen. Something had happened. Something he didn't know. J.T. was sure of it. Granted Colleen was angry at him but he had seen so much hurt in her eyes. Not for what he did but something more.  
  
J.T frowned. He was going to find out what it was that Colleen was hiding.  
************************************************************************  
  
Colleen yanked the door to her hotel room and then immediately slammed it after her, causing a loud bang.  
  
"How dare he?" She said angrily as she threw her purse at the window, fortunately not breaking it. She was shaking now from all the anger inside her and the hurt that J.T. had brought back.  
  
She should never have spoken to him. She shouldn't have even given him the chance to try to speak to her.  
  
But I'm too damn weak to say no to him, she thought bitterly. Even after these years I still have a "thing" for him.  
  
She groaned as she dragged herself around the couch and sat on it. She groaned again, frustrated at how she was so affected by him. She couldn't understand why she couldn't act like she wasn't hurting, like the world was perfect and her decision had no effect on her whatsoever.  
  
Unfortunately, it did. It was as if J.T.'s decision was a trigger to a fire that would burn Colleen.  
  
Had he not talked her into going with Traci, she would never have been in New York. Then she would never have been raped. The baby would never have existed and Colleen wouldn't also have lost it and ruined her life.  
  
"So much hurt could have been avoided." She said sadly as she cried again, admitting to herself and no one else how lost and miserable she was. 


End file.
